Do you know where YOUR undies have been?

In a little over 2 months I will very happily stand beside one of my very best friends as she and her sweet love tie the knot and I am over the moon excited...aside from one little glitch. My cute little black bridesmaid's dress is a wee bit too little now. See, the thing is, I was measured for it when I was in a dark place - and then I got happy and healthy. Good, right? But now - - can't. breathe. in. dress. No jokes people. And breathing is important.

So, I can get the dress on - rather painfully - but after about 2.5 minutes of shallow breathing, I am about to pass out.

Actual conversation while stuck in dress:

Colie
posted toDubs

Sweet mother of all things holy. Cannot breathe in bridesmaid dress. No joke. Is very painful.

Am in big trouble.

Too late to ship back for bigger size?

OINK.

Like · 

• 

  Colie: In fact, not only is breathing impossible but to get it zippered up, I had to shove and squeeze all upper body fat down to lower half of dress and is now oozing out below waist of dress. Bad. Very bad. If you see me binge eating chips (or anything else) in my office, you have permission to slap it out of my hands and punch me in head.

  March 3 at 9:02pm · Like · 1
• 

  Dubs: Hahahahaha. That is quite the mental image! I am sure you are exaggerating, but maybe we can have a mutual agreement on the chip binging, and you can punch me too. The only problem is I am an expert secret eater. Particularly when it comes to chips!

  March 3 at 9:04pm · Unlike · 2
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  Colie: FYI - may be wearing dress to work Tuesday. Am home alone and appear to be stuck in dress. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, please send help. Thankyouverymuch.

  March 3 at 9:10pm · Like
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  Dubs: Hahahaha, well surely that will stretch it out a little? Do you need me to call 911?

  March 3 at 9:50pm · Like
• 

  Colie: Sadly, the material appears opposed to stretching. Ummm...not yet...but remains a possibility...

And here are just a few of the solutions offered by my lovely friends to solve my little problem:

• Duct tape me into the dress (this one is still under consideration)
• Some weird tea to boost my metabolism - which is apparently so delicious it made another friend barf! Ahhhhhh...I think you all know my thoughts on that. The tea is OUT.
• Oil up body with cream to create slick skin for slipping on of dress...I actually thought about trying this until we remembered how wrong it could go:

• Some kinda magic patch I stick on my body with plastic wrap. Seems a bit too kooky, even for me.
• And some crazy fools (you know who you are!) recommended I eat healthy ALL the time (Read: cut out my Smarties binges!) and you know, EXERCISE. Pppppfffttttttt.

And my idea:
Body sucking in contraption(s).

I tell future bride that I'm thinking of taking the dress into Victoria's Secret* to try on with nifty body sucking in contraption I saw there...thong on bottom...super body suckage on top.

Bride to be: (with look of horror on face)...but you can't actually try on underwear.
Bride-smaide extraordinaire: I always try on my underwear before I buy them. How else can I tell if they make my butt look cute fit properly.
Bride to be: Shut up. If people try on underwear, that means someone else's vagina may have been in my underwear!???!
Bride-smaide extraordinaire: Honey - MY vagina may have been in your underwear.
And then we I laaaaaaughed.

So yeah, gonna give the sucking in contraption a go. Perhaps I'll even double up. If that doesn't work - it'll be duct tape all the way.

*Pretty sure I was hypnotized when I walked into Victoria's Secret store. That joint is magical. MAGICAL, people. It smells so good and their bras make my boobs look 22 again. I don't care what Victoria's secret is, I love her.

Leave me a comment and share your ideas. I have 65 days to get my @ss into the dress. And don't even think about that exercise foolishness. I went for a walk tonight and it's official - - I'm not a big fan. My idea of exercise is hiking to a pretty picnic spot and stopping to make out and eating snacks along the way. Even better if someone is carrying me to picnic spot. So yeah, exercise is out.

Three Years

Momma welcomes my baby girl

Three years ago today I walked out of the hospital doors to the sun shining brightly and I wondered how that could possibly be when my beautiful mother had just died. How does the sun go on shining? How does everything just go on? 

Somehow it does.

It is very hard to believe that three years have passed without hearing her voice, without hugging her, without hearing her loud laugh that I sometimes now hear in mine. 

I'm not sure where the time went. 

My daughter recently told me that she doesn't really remember Nanny; she was only two when she died, and it completely broke my heart to hear this truth but I set out to help her remember through pictures and videos. And I understand. Even though she is kept alive in stories retold almost every single day, I am starting to forget her a bit myself. It's becoming harder to remember when she was here. I suppose that is what happens with time...a way to help dull the pain. The good news is that I can look at the pictures and watch little clips of her on video and the memories come quickly flooding back. 



Happy Momma on our Girl's Retreat Weekend.
Such great memories...aside from her snoring!



I remember the way I always took a snapshot of her with her mouth full of food and it drove her crazy...the way she dyed her hair every other week...how she could never find her keys in her purse and always swore they were lost...her funky way of dressing...how I have her eyes...how she could never be mean to anyone, ever...and most importantly how very much she truly, wholeheartedly, unconditionally loved her family. How incredibly lucky that I was to have her as my mother. For most of my life it was just me and my mom and I used to wish for a father or younger siblings and now I know it was just as it should have been. It was just us.

Living without my mom always seemed absolutely impossible but here I am, three years without her, living. I like to believe that she's watching over us in some form, seeing how funny and truly sweet her grandchildren are. Seeing that she has left her mark on this world.

Those of us who were loved by her, so generously loved, could not ask for anything more.

I say this a lot on TCC but I'll say it again - - life is short - - love your family and friends. Truly LOVE. Hard. Show it. Lift them up. Forgive. Be mushy. Be thankful. Life is far too short.

I miss you so much my beautiful Momma.

I carry your heart.

I carry it in my heart.

Your sugar plum,

Colie

xxoo

Momma LOVED the Blues. I bought her this CD  - Little Derek and the Haemo Blues Band - (all proceeds from his CD's go to help Leukemia patients) shortly before she died...we only got to listen to it together one day, but I listen often and think of her. This song is my favorite.

Oh what a year!

Hello my lovely readers! I planned to post this video of my year in photos waaaaay back in January after stealing the brilliant idea from my friend Kato at Pandora's Box and now it's April. And no, I haven't been in a coma. Unless a chocolate coma counts. Late is just a pattern for me. I think I'll start a new tradition and have my annual video cover 16 months instead of 12. Sixteen is a much better number after all. You can get your driver's license, have a sweet 16 party, get a job...and my favorite -  eat 16 Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies at a time.

So, better late than never as the saying goes. If you have 10 minutes you need to waste - - go ahead and press play for the highlight reel of my year. 

And for those of you who would rather eat cookies than watch the video (you're my kinda people), here's a snapshot:

Bought and renovated new (to me) house

Traded shimmy-mobile for my first brand new car all my own

My sweet boy turned 8 

My adorable girl turned 5

Laughed my ba donk a donk off at Jerry Seinfeld

Zip lined my ba donk a donk off at TreeGo

France 

FORTY!

Got my heart stomped on

Got lost 

Grew my ba donk a donk back

Developed a fondness for the 'ween

...and a fondness for my adorable boyfriend

First Christmas with the kiddies in our sweet home

Made my very first Turkey dinner (and we all survived)

Happily rang in 2013 with some very special people

Got found

Crutches and a Happy Heart

I would love to say I got this injury while leaping tall buildings in a single bound or while saving a small child from running out into the street, or during some week long sexcapade (What? Who said that?!) but no, I was simply moving my left foot out from under the blanket to get up out of bed. Seriously?! What kind of person has to get crutches from simply waking up??!! Ummmm. This lame-o. I went to step out of bed and couldn't put my foot down. Like at all. Searing pain. Boyfriend carries me to  bathroom and plops me onto toilet. Well, this will not do. I hopped on one foot - breathing like I have not exercised in oh about 10 years because oh, y'know, I have not exercised in about 10 years. I hop around making lunches and thinking surely this will pass any minute...I send the kids off to school with the boyfriend because I can't drive my car, which is a standard. 

No thank you bum ankle.

Boyfriend comes home and nonchalantly mentions his back is hurting. Feels kinda like when he had kidney stones, he says. Do dee do dee do. Insert panic here. My panic. Not his. He minimizes the pain despite me grilling him every 2.3 seconds about whether he is okay. Yup. All good he says. It passed. Big ol' fibber. He acts as my human crutch and we head to the doctor. Turns out I have a freak tendon injury. Crutches, drugs, rest, and an ankle brace is ordered. On the day right before our 5 day Easter weekend is to begin...which I have been counting down to for no less than 3 months. 

Ppppppffffttttt. 

Boyfriend's back pain keeps coming and going. He is starting to look a little more concerned as we get home and I get settled. He did basically carry me around all morning and I have eaten a LOT of pre-Easter chocolate. Please let it be that. He heads to doctor - - for himself this time. I want to go with him but can't walk and I tip over on crutches. I'm beyond ridiculous on crutches. Stay home and rest, he says to me, it's probably nothing. On route, he almost passes out. Heads straight to ER and sure enough - - kidney stones. Did I mention he has only one kidney? Just to complicate things.

What the Hell are the odds? He needs surgery on the day I can't drive!!! I finally get a drive there to be with him. To the hospital where my mother died. Not my favorite place. Have I mentioned before that I have a phobia of germs and vomiting? Emergency Rooms, also not my favorite place. Sick people go there. And the kidney stones are making the boyfriend feel really nauseated. Insert MAJOR panic here. But I stumble into the ER on my crutches. 

It must be true love, the nurses say.

So, he's completely stoned to manage the horrible pain and I can't stand up. I covet his morphine drip every time someone gags or I hear the guy in the next curtained room moaning. There always seem to be moaners at the ER. I spend a lot of time with my fingers in my ears. And I can't even flee if I need to. Stupid crutches.  

It has been a long time since I crawled into a hospital bed with anyone. The only other time was when my mother was dying. I used to snuggle up with her in the hospital bed. I do the same with the adorable boyfriend, who took care of me when he had freaking kidney stones. 

THAT is love. 

All tucked in.
NOTE: He loves that I documented this day in photos.

As they're taking him to the operating room, he starts to feel sick to his stomach again and I essentially accost the nurse and beg for more Gravol. Give him Gravol please. Can he have more Gravol now? He neeeeeeds gravol. Now. GRAVOL! GRAVOL! GRAVOL!!!! STAT!!!! 

I'm a raving lunatic. But I manage to stay and pretend to be calm. For him. 

And here's something else pretty amazing, the ex-husband is the one who picks up the kids for me while we're waiting for him to go into surgery and it is the ex-husband who later comes to my house to stay with the kids while I go pick up boyfriend at the hospital at 11:00 o'clock at night after his operation. I am surrounded by truly kind, thoughtful men. I have made some really good choices. 

I manage to drive with crutches flung into back seat of boyfriend's car and hobble along through the hospital to get him. We are quite a pair. Me on crutches and him in a wheel chair. 

And I felt incredibly lucky in that moment.  

We had to tweak our Easter plans a bit but still managed to fit in a delicious brunch (made up mostly of desserts and sausages) with some of my favorite people, an Easter egg hunt, and bubble gum blowing contest. 

'Cause that's how we roll.

Happy to report that the past weekend we took a delightful road trip with snowball fights, maple syrup and of course, more sausages. We're dedicated sausage people. It more than made up for the craziness of the weekend before. 

I loves me some sugar on a stick!

Love.

That is all.

Text o' The Day

Me to ex-husband: If you take the 9 year old out for supper after the dentist tonight, please don't let him have lettuce. I'm still a paranoid lunatic after the KFC e-coli lettuce bruhaha.
Ex-husband: OK. I'll take him to KFC for extra lettuce.
Me: You suck. And ummm, also - - you suck.

And that, my friends, is divorce in a nutshell.
You're welcome.