Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Embracing My Inner Biker Babe

Hi lovely readers! Thanks for continuing to hang out from time to time at The Colie Chronicles despite my absence...I owe you all a butter tart.

Picture this: I'm on my way to a home visit for work about 2 weeks ago and I'm running late as always. I can never get out of my office on time because A. Hysterical client calls and I stupidly answer the phone and spend an hour wanting to stab my eyes out or 2. I'm busy gabbing with my co-worker about very important work related subjects and definitely not my cute new earrings or whether we should date people solely based on their ability to salsa. So, not wanting my client to have to wait for me, I may have been driving a wee bit over the speed limit...I'm saving children and what not people! I have places to be.

I spot the police car and immediately pull into the non-passing lane and sloooooow down...of course, he nabs me because if it weren't for shit luck, I'd have none these days. I have a mortgage and an apartment to pay for so yes please give me a big ass ticket. It means I may not be able to get that refrigerator box I have been coveting to live in but whatever. I'm sure I can tape together a few sturdy diaper boxes. I later thought I should have tried to out run him a la OJ Simpson but I was too full from eating a cookie the size of my head for lunch and my belly hurt too much for a high speed chase.

He moseys over to my car and asks for my license, registration and insurance. And yes, he moseyed. And then I swear a little light bulb flashed over my head and I suddenly remembered I didn't have my license with me. See....more bad luck. I had been out for a motorbike ride with a friend the night before, embracing my inner badass biker chick, and I took my license in my jeans pocket in case someone needed to identify my body. I'm a safety girl.

I tell him why I don't have my license and explain that I'm a child protection social worker (who dropped my ID in my coworker's office just before I left - OF COURSE!) and I'm hoping for some sympathy because hello - I'm protecting children!!! The cop is now grilling me about who owns the car and where I live and I'm all holy shit - I have two addresses...do I get into my life story right now? What if he wants me to go get my license and it's at the apartment but my ID is all for the house? I can't even work up a tear because I'm so pissed off at myself for getting a ticket when I can't afford it. Then I can't find the registration for the car. Papers are flying as I root through the glove compartment which FYI - contains zero pairs of gloves but a million "Do you need a safety plan?" brochures. And yes.  Yes, I do need a safety plan. RIGHT NOW. Because I'm on the verge of leaping off something tall.

I give him everything I can find  in my damn wallet - Shoppers Drug Mart Optimum Card - Health Card - Blood Donor card (Look officer! I'm a good person! I donate blood!) - He's not impressed. I ask him to go look me up...he does. Then I find the registration and wave it frantically out the window. And it blows away.


But seriously, that would not even be surprising at this point in my life.

He comes back with a $292 ticket and asks me to take off my sunglasses. Have I mentioned that I had been awake over 24 hours at this point and likely looked pretty freaking bad? It's true. I was on zero sleep. ZERO. My pupils must have been the right size because he gives me the ticket, tells me to slow down (I pinky swore it!) and to remember my license from now on and then he moseys off.

I seriously hate that guy. TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY TWO DOLLARS!!! And I had to lose my license for a week. FAAAACCCCCCK!

So here's the icing on my shit cake of life - I was set to leave for New York on Saturday of that week. NEW YORK people. A place my Momma always wanted to go, a place I've visited only briefly and loved, I'm completely thrilled to be going and a coworker wisely recommends that I give up my license for the week that I'm in NYC. Brilliant right? Yes, for a person with a horseshoe up their ass - but for me - NOOOOOOO! A fucking hurricane cancels my flight!!!!

So, now I am not taking a delightful trip to NYC and I can't even drive!!!

Resulting wagon ride from HELL post to come.

So tell me, how have you been doing?

Aside from the speeding ticket and cancelled trip, I'm surviving being single and some days even happier than I've been in a very long time. Okay, some days I'm much sadder than I've ever been but that's to be expected, right? The good news is that I'm re-booking my flight to NYC tomorrow! Surely mother nature will be kinder this time. The 7 year old has a list of Lego he wants from FAO Schwartz a page long! I have shopping to do!!

NOTE: Next time, I'm totally telling the cop I have the diarrhea. Not that there will be a next time. I'm following those damn speed limit signs people. I will not speed. I will try VERY hard not to speed. Even though the speed limit SHOULD BE 100km on the highway!


Keith "Two Tickets" Poole said...

Agree wholeheartedly about the speed limit. Isn't that why they created '100 series' highways? Apparently this logic does not apply in Nova Scotia.

Ross said...

That totally sucks will the ticket and losing your license. Then the flight being cancelled is just salt in the wound!

*^_^* said...

So true!
We all are always here to support you.

Lucy The Valiant said...

Wow. Just, WOW. I'm sorry!!

Joshua said...

Fuck fuck fuck the police.

Sidney said...

I ALWAYS have to systematically check that I have my ID, keys, and phone before I leave the house. Else hilarity will ensure.

Sorry for your troubles, Colie.

TexaGermaNadian said...

Holy moly. Well, at least you got that bad luck outta the way for, oh, the next 3 years. Sheesh. Well sorry to hear about all of that, but it can only go up from here, right??
And is it bad that your story made me laugh so much, you tell them all so great!

Colie said...

@Keith -two tickets- Poole: I'm now a member of your shitty club but I cried down the first ticket to a failure to obey the signs. This time I was just too defeated. Apparently there are no 100 series highways "within" the city - according to the meanie pants cop. So stupid. I have been driving 80 and I swear I am barely moving! I have to use cruise control now in the damn city because another ticket and you may see me on the news!

@Ross - yup. And to top it off I had to apprehend 3 kids when I should have been in NEW-YORK-CITY buying fake Prada bags! Insert more salt in wound. Not. Right.

Thanks Lucy! FYI - you make me want to braid my hair and be valiant :)

@Schwa - what you said!!!

@ Sid - i am lucky if I remember to leave the house with pants on. Which by the way will be an upcoming post. I think it's safe to say I may be who the new neighbors are talking about!

@Lindsey - first of all HI!! I've missed you :) I would have thought up was the only place to go but I was mistaken. Thank goodness for laughter!! I still try to see the humor in the crap but some days test me. It's buried deep in the crap - I'm up to my elbows in it but I keep digging! I need to get myself s shovel!!

Patty said...

Wow...you will be in my neck of the woods! The Big Apple...woot!

I'm sorry that you got snagged for speeding; probably just one more police dude out to add to his monthly quota and you were the one he needed to fill his dance card.

That need-for-speed? Hell, we all have it! I fly down to work (and home again) pushing 80 (in a 65 mph. zone) and, trust me, the effing road jockeys are whizzing by me faster than shit through a goose.

You? Slow down...blogging wouldn't be the same without your incredible wit and insight; also, no one can write a story about almost nothing and turn it into a "laugh until I have to pee" experience.


Lori Dyan said...

Next time throw your panties at him.