Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Three Years

Momma welcomes my baby girl
Three years ago today I walked out of the hospital doors to the sun shining brightly and I wondered how that could possibly be when my beautiful mother had just died. How does the sun go on shining? How does everything just go on

Somehow it does.

It is very hard to believe that three years have passed without hearing her voice, without hugging her, without hearing her loud laugh that I sometimes now hear in mine. 

I'm not sure where the time went. 

My daughter recently told me that she doesn't really remember Nanny; she was only two when she died, and it completely broke my heart to hear this truth but I set out to help her remember through pictures and videos. And I understand. Even though she is kept alive in stories retold almost every single day, I am starting to forget her a bit myself. It's becoming harder to remember when she was here. I suppose that is what happens with time...a way to help dull the pain. The good news is that I can look at the pictures and watch little clips of her on video and the memories come quickly flooding back. 

Happy Momma on our Girl's Retreat Weekend.
Such great memories...aside from her snoring!

I remember the way I always took a snapshot of her with her mouth full of food and it drove her crazy...the way she dyed her hair every other week...how she could never find her keys in her purse and always swore they were lost...her funky way of dressing...how I have her eyes...how she could never be mean to anyone, ever...and most importantly how very much she truly, wholeheartedly, unconditionally loved her family. How incredibly lucky that I was to have her as my mother. For most of my life it was just me and my mom and I used to wish for a father or younger siblings and now I know it was just as it should have been. It was just us.

Living without my mom always seemed absolutely impossible but here I am, three years without her, living. I like to believe that she's watching over us in some form, seeing how funny and truly sweet her grandchildren are. Seeing that she has left her mark on this world.

Those of us who were loved by her, so generously loved, could not ask for anything more.

I say this a lot on TCC but I'll say it again - - life is short - - love your family and friends. Truly LOVE. Hard. Show it. Lift them up. Forgive. Be mushy. Be thankful. Life is far too short.

I miss you so much my beautiful Momma.

I carry your heart.

I carry it in my heart.

Your sugar plum,

Momma LOVED the Blues. I bought her this CD  - Little Derek and the Haemo Blues Band - (all proceeds from his CD's go to help Leukemia patients) shortly before she died...we only got to listen to it together one day, but I listen often and think of her. This song is my favorite.

1 comment:

Kato Pandorah's Box said...

So sweet Colie. I can only imagine the heartache, teh aching heartache...but time is a weird and wonderful thing in these situations. You never forget, but that ache is replaced with happy memories.

Your mama seemed like a lovely woman, I can see a lot of her in you!