Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Do you know where YOUR undies have been?

In a little over 2 months I will very happily stand beside one of my very best friends as she and her sweet love tie the knot and I am over the moon excited...aside from one little glitch. My cute little black bridesmaid's dress is a wee bit too little now. See, the thing is, I was measured for it when I was in a dark place - and then I got happy and healthy. Good, right? But now - - can't. breathe. in. dress. No jokes people. And breathing is important.

So, I can get the dress on - rather painfully - but after about 2.5 minutes of shallow breathing, I am about to pass out.

Actual conversation while stuck in dress:

posted toDubs
Sweet mother of all things holy. Cannot breathe in bridesmaid dress. No joke. Is very painful.

Am in big trouble.

Too late to ship back for bigger size?

Like · 
  • Colie: In fact, not only is breathing impossible but to get it zippered up, I had to shove and squeeze all upper body fat down to lower half of dress and is now oozing out below waist of dress. Bad. Very bad. If you see me binge eating chips (or anything else) in my office, you have permission to slap it out of my hands and punch me in head.
    March 3 at 9:02pm · Like · 1
  • Dubs: Hahahahaha. That is quite the mental image! I am sure you are exaggerating, but maybe we can have a mutual agreement on the chip binging, and you can punch me too. The only problem is I am an expert secret eater. Particularly when it comes to chips!
    March 3 at 9:04pm · Unlike · 2
  • Colie: FYI - may be wearing dress to work Tuesday. Am home alone and appear to be stuck in dress. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, please send help. Thankyouverymuch.
  • Dubs: Hahahaha, well surely that will stretch it out a little? Do you need me to call 911?
  • Colie: Sadly, the material appears opposed to stretching. Ummm...not yet...but remains a possibility...

And here are just a few of the solutions offered by my lovely friends to solve my little problem:

  • Duct tape me into the dress (this one is still under consideration)
  • Some weird tea to boost my metabolism - which is apparently so delicious it made another friend barf! Ahhhhhh...I think you all know my thoughts on that. The tea is OUT.
  • Oil up body with cream to create slick skin for slipping on of dress...I actually thought about trying this until we remembered how wrong it could go:

  • Some kinda magic patch I stick on my body with plastic wrap. Seems a bit too kooky, even for me.
  • And some crazy fools (you know who you are!) recommended I eat healthy ALL the time (Read: cut out my Smarties binges!) and you know, EXERCISE. Pppppfffttttttt.
And my idea:
Body sucking in contraption(s).

I tell future bride that I'm thinking of taking the dress into Victoria's Secret* to try on with nifty body sucking in contraption I saw there...thong on bottom...super body suckage on top.

Bride to be: (with look of horror on face)...but you can't actually try on underwear.
Bride-smaide extraordinaire: I always try on my underwear before I buy them. How else can I tell if they make my butt look cute fit properly.
Bride to be: Shut up. If people try on underwear, that means someone else's vagina may have been in my underwear!???!
Bride-smaide extraordinaire: Honey - MY vagina may have been in your underwear.
And then we I laaaaaaughed.

So yeah, gonna give the sucking in contraption a go. Perhaps I'll even double up. If that doesn't work - it'll be duct tape all the way.

*Pretty sure I was hypnotized when I walked into Victoria's Secret store. That joint is magical. MAGICAL, people. It smells so good and their bras make my boobs look 22 again. I don't care what Victoria's secret is, I love her.

Leave me a comment and share your ideas. I have 65 days to get my @ss into the dress. And don't even think about that exercise foolishness. I went for a walk tonight and it's official - - I'm not a big fan. My idea of exercise is hiking to a pretty picnic spot and stopping to make out and eating snacks along the way. Even better if someone is carrying me to picnic spot. So yeah, exercise is out.

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Anonymous said...

When all else fails.....

Not that I've tried it but a friend swears by it...MJ

Anonymous said...

PS ~ please buy your underwear before coming to visit my hometown LOL!!

Scope said...

Vast amounts of hot, marathon sex.

Even if you don't lose any weight, will you really care? :-)

Or, eat an apple before each meal.

Anonymous said...

Myfitnesspal free app or online. You can lose 2 pounds a week if u eat a 1300 calorie diet. Exercise in a way u like. Like a bike ride or soccer game. Zevia is all natural zero calorie Soda if u need a sweet treat. Lots of veggies.... good luck.

Colie said...

MJ - hide your undies!

Scope - Boyfriend thinks your idea is the way yo go :)

Anonymous - stop spamming me!

Colie said...

*to go.

Scope said...

So he's good on the apple plan then?

iris said...

Yeah...it seems like you might need to buy a new dress.

Maybe you just haven't found a form of exercise that works for you? I *hate* running but stair climbing and yoga are tolerable. Especially if I treat my dehydrated rear end to a glass of wine afterwards.

adot said...

Volunteer in a kindergarten class and get a stomach bug. 100% guaranteed to fit in the dress.
Also, If you would accept, I have an award for you over at my blog. Thanks for being so entertaining:)

Kato Pandorah's Box said...

Hahaha! Buy a juicer. It does wonderful things for you!!

Ken said...

You are correct. VS is magical. And I am forever under its spell once I walk in the doors.

Also, I love your blog.