Saturday, September 7, 2013

Always bring the BIG box o' Smarties

So, I was on a road trip for work not long ago...far out of town...far, far, cell reception kinda far (Rogers can suck it by the way!) and most days, I really enjoy the drive. Out of the office. Sun shining. I don't have to speak to anyone for 2 WHOLE hours each way. It's like mini retreat.

On these long drives I usually do the following:
  • Blast Taylor Swift and sing my fool head off (Ppppsssshhhh. Don't judge me. That girl knows heartache).
  • Pull over at least 3 times to power snooze because the winding road puts me to sleep. FOR REAL. 
  • Slap myself in the face 52 times to stay awake in between the side of road snoozes.
  • Pee on side of road at least two times because A. the last time I stopped at the little outhouse located about an hour from my destination, I had nightmares for days!!! Let's just say someone had explosive pooping incident. Oh god. Even typing it makes me need to scrub my retinas. I always tell myself "Self. DO NOT LOOK IN THE BOWL". So I close my eyes and I back my ass up and then what do I do? I FRICKIN LOOK! NEVER look people. NEVER EVER. (Side note: Do you think it's a coincidence that directly across from evil outhouse is a restaurant called Toots? And by restaurant I mean trailer. That sells food. Which by my strong powers of deduction leads to explosive pooping. and B. have bladder size of thimble. 
  • Contemplate all major life decisions.
  • Give myself a headache contemplating life decisions.
  • Stop to pick the flowers.
So, this one day I decide on my drive to the end of the earth that on my way back I will pick me some Lupins. They are actually a bean. Weird, eh? Or a 'legume' if you will. Which happens to be one of my favorite words. And they grow all over the side of the road in Nova Scotia. I think they're beautiful and they remind me of the small little town I lived in until I moved to the big bad city and mostly, they remind me of my mother.
Pretty, right? 

I scope out the perfect spot for stealing picking totally free flowers. I choose a dirt road off the winding road I'm on. No houses. No people. The flowers are all mine for the taking. I park Jeffrey (my car) and hop out. The lupins line the whole road and there are all different shades and colors...I decide I will be sweet little sister and pick some for my big sis too. I abandon my car and start walking down the road all the while trying to pick the mother effers. Their stems are TOUGH. I develop new technique of pulling them directly from the ground root and all and decide we can plant them in our garden. Brilliant. 

I'm about half a kilometer (or 1000 miles for my American readers?) from Jeffrey with my arms FULL of Lupins in all colors and I'm bent right over yanking these flowers as hard as I can because seriously they are stubborn little buggers *picture this:

But with this face 

...and my @ss in the air. 

And then a big ol' truck pulls in and stops right behind Jeffrey. With a big ol' man driving. I immediately panic because my Momma taught me that basically everyone is a pervert. PER-VERT. He gets out and starts walking towards me. By now I'm about a full kilometer from my car (or 6324 miles?) and I am thinking SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY!!! My keys are in my car. My cell is in the car (and is also useless because of stupid asshole phone with no signal. Really must change service providers. Dammitt Colie. This is not the time!!). You are about to be MURDERED!!!

Or worse. 

And then I remember. I have a box of Smarties in my pocket. Did I forget to mention that snacking is also what I do to stay awake? 

Smarties will SAVE MY LIFE!!!! 

I will leave a trail of Smarties when I am dragged off into woods to be murdered.

Or *gasp* worse. 

I reach for Smarties and realize that I only have about 7 left. I really enjoy Smarties. 

I hope he does not drag me very far. 

He's quickly approaching. I start to try and be rational. Surely he won't MURDER me?! He maybe just wants to help me pick the Lupins? Is that why he has that ax? Kidding. No ax in sight. But he LOOKED like an ax murderer. The ax was probably in his truck people. With the chloroform. And rope. And all the ax murder-y things. And he's driving a freaking 18 wheeler, not a pick-up truck. Although both are equally creepy when you are about to be murdered. 


He walks up and I'm shaking my 7 Smarties getting all prepared...and he says "Be very careful..." OH. MY. GOD. The murderer is warning me. Do I run? Didn't Oprah say never to leave the first location? Jesus. What did Oprah say?! WHAT DID OPRAH SAY??!!! "...Lupins are poisonous if you eat them". I reply, in between my nervous laughter and eye darting as I mentally plan my path to run...serpentine...serpentine..."Ummmm. Thank you, I'll be careful. not. to. eat. them?" And then he leaves. 

So, not murdered (yay!) and Lupins look lovely in my sister's garden. Mine remained unplanted and died. Because I have commitment issues. 

Moral of the story: Bring FAMILY size bag o Smarties on every road trip. And do not EAT the Lupins. You're welcome. 


For the LOVE of GOD. Someone get that little girl outta there!! WHERE are her parents!??!

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Vapid Vixen said...

Balls. I just typed out a comment but forgot I wasn't signed in and then I lost it. It's too early.

I can't believe that weirdo jank-hole pulled over his monster truck just to warn you not to eat flowers.

Also, where in Nova Scotia are you from? I spent summers there in Bridgewater near Lunenburg. I loved it!

Scope said...

You would think eating something called "Smarties" would help you avoid these kinds of situations.

Just saying.

Scope said...

I'm trying a "Cyber Monday" challenge for bloggers. Will you take the challenge?

Read more on my blog, SCOPE-TECH

Hope things are good.

Colie said...

Hi Vapid glad you still stop by!!! I'm just a couple of hours from Bridgewater :-) more city than Lunenburg but still very beautiful. I basically think everyone's a potential pervert/ stalker (except you of course) so my actual location remains on the down low :-) haha

Colie said...'d think so. Smart phones and Smarties make me dumb! :-)

PS: I'm in for Dec 2nd. Fun!!