Monday, January 6, 2014

Dear 2013. A.K.A Screw self reflection. Give me cookies!


Dear 2013:

You've been a bit of a tricky one. Some days I felt courageous and brave and able to take on whatever life brought my way and some days I felt alone and defeated and ready to leap off something tall. 

Whether good or bad, I am thankful for each and every day of the past year. Well, except that one day where I walked in on my coworker barfing and ran out into the office hallway with my pants down. Oh! And those 2 months where I was completely bamboozled. I'd prefer to skip those. Wait. Where was I? Oh yes, I was being thankful for them ALL.

The truth is, I wouldn't even take away the difficult moments because it's in those moments that I dug down deep and figured out a way to keep going.

Ppppffffttttttt.

Orrrrr I lived in denial with Oreo cookie binges in bed and drank too much wine. Not gonna lie, there was a lot more wine drinking and cookie eating than self reflection and drawing on some sort of inner strength. But I do have a strange ability to always remember that even in the dark days, I have so much to be thankful for and I can usually find humor in everything. Yup. Already I can reenact the barfing trauma and laugh. I have to take a Clonazepam first, but still. Thank you to my beautiful Momma for teaching me thankfulness and raising me with just enough dysfunction to make me funny.

I missed my Mom a lot this year. And I mean lot, a lot. Time really does make the loss easier to bear but for some reason I felt like I really needed her this year. I took some steps backwards in 2013 and it kind of pissed me off. Not that she could have stopped me from making the choices I made, but when life got off the rails, I know she would have been there reminding me that everything happens for a reason. Because she believed that crap and she made me believe it too. 

I think the most important lesson I've learned in 2013 is to let go. To let go of the foolish notion that I have to be the perfect partner, the perfect mother, the perfect ex-wife, the perfect friend...the perfect whatever...because when I had moments of imperfection, I had a hard time letting go. I became my worst critic. I was mean to myself. I sometimes forgot that life is hard. It's complicated. It's sometimes messy. It doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes it takes a sharp left when you were trying hard to go right and you end up slamming your head into the window and wondering what the eff happened...and that's okay.

I am learning to accept the imperfection in myself and in life itself. I'm letting the rest go.

So, lots of learning and some amazing memories over the past year (stay tuned for my year in photographs video to pop up here ~ sometime before 2015 I swear!). Some new, wonderful, kind, generous, fun people came into my life and some incredible, accepting, loving, fun people (*fun is my favorite) that I have known for years or a lifetime, remain. I'm grateful for every single one of you and excited to see what 2014 has in store for all of us!

I have a feeling it's gonna be spectacular! Sure, that feeling may be due to the sugar high I'm currently in after discovering popcorn drizzled perfectly in dark sweet chocolate...or it may just be hope. 

With love,



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4 comments:

Kent Rod & Gun Club said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Patty said...

It's hope. Hell, hope is all most of us have to hold onto. Don't let go, sweetie!

What is it they always say? Hope springs eternal. Yeah, that's it!

Hugs!!

Colie said...

Holding on.
Thank you Patty! xoxo

Scope said...

Hope you've added some great people in 2013, and showed the not so great ones to the door.

Especially the bamboozler.